This guide provides a framework for understanding suppression

The Body and the Drive for Belonging: A Guide to Re-evaluating Your Relationship Goals
An intersection of Dr. Gabor Maté’s “When the Body Says No” and Adlerian Psychology offers a powerful lens through which to re-evaluate the very foundation of our relationships. This guide provides a framework for understanding how the suppression of our authentic selves for the sake of connection can lead to physical and emotional distress, and how to realign our relationship goals toward health, mutual respect, and genuine intimacy.
At the heart of this intersection lies a fundamental human conflict: the innate need for attachment and belonging, a cornerstone of Alfred Adler’s Individual Psychology, and the equally vital need for authenticity and the expression of our true feelings, a central theme in Dr. Gabor Maté’s work on the mind-body connection. When the drive to belong overrides our ability to be authentic, our bodies often pay the price.
The Core Concepts Intersected
From Dr. Gabor Maté’s “When the Body Says No,” we understand:

• The Mind-Body Connection is Inseparable: Our emotions, thoughts, and relationships have a profound impact on our physical health.
• Stress and a Lack of Authenticity Cause Disease: Chronic stress, often stemming from the suppression of emotions and needs, can lead to a wide range of illnesses. The inability to say “no” out of a fear of rejection or abandonment is a significant source of this stress.
• Repressed Emotions Manifest Physically: When we consistently ignore our gut feelings and cater to others’ expectations at our own expense, our bodies may signal this internal conflict through physical symptoms.
  From Adlerian Psychology, we learn about:
• The Striving for Significance and Belonging: A primary motivation for all human behavior is the desire to feel a sense of belonging and to be significant to others.
• The Fictional Final Goal: We all develop an often unconscious life goal in childhood, a “fictional finalism,” that guides our behaviors and choices in relationships. This goal is often rooted in our early experiences of what we needed to do to feel secure and loved.
• Social Interest (Gemeinschaftsgefühl): Healthy psychological functioning involves a genuine care for the well-being of others, balanced with a healthy sense of self. A lack of social interest can lead to self-centered and ultimately unfulfilling relationship dynamics.
  The Unhealthy Intersection in Relationships
  The conflict arises when our “fictional final goal” for a relationship is solely focused on maintaining connection at any cost. This can lead to a pattern of behavior where we consistently suppress our own needs, desires, and emotions to please a partner and avoid conflict. In Maté’s terms, we are not being authentic. In Adler’s terms, our striving for belonging has become distorted, lacking a true sense of self in the equation. This creates a fertile ground for resentment, emotional exhaustion, and, as Maté’s work suggests, physical illness. The body, in essence, starts to say “no” to a dynamic the mind has accepted.
  A Step-by-Step Guide to Re-evaluating Your Relationship Goals
  This guide will help you identify these unhealthy patterns and shift your relationship goals toward a more authentic and mutually fulfilling connection.
  Step 1: Identify Your Body’s “No”
• Action: Pay close attention to your physical and emotional signals. Do you experience unexplained fatigue, frequent headaches, digestive issues, or a persistent feeling of low-grade anxiety when interacting with your partner?
• Example: Sarah noticed that she would get a tension headache almost every time she agreed to a social event she didn’t want to attend, just to make her partner happy. Her body was saying “no” even when her words were “yes.”
  Step 2: Uncover Your “Fictional Final Goal” in the Relationship
• Action: Reflect on your underlying beliefs about what you need to do to be loved and secure in this relationship. Ask yourself: “What do I believe will happen if I express my true feelings or needs?” and “What is my ultimate, often unspoken, goal for this relationship?”
• Example: Mark realized his fictional final goal was to be the “easy-going partner” to avoid the conflict he witnessed in his parents’ marriage. This meant he rarely voiced his own preferences, leading to a build-up of unexpressed frustration.
  Step 3: Recognize the Patterns of Self-Suppression
• Action: Keep a journal for a week and note down every instance where you wanted to say “no” but said “yes,” or where you felt a certain way but expressed something else.
• Example: Maria’s journal revealed a pattern of downplaying her accomplishments at work because her partner seemed to feel insecure when she was successful. This suppression of her pride was dimming her own sense of self.
  Step 4: Redefine Your Relationship Goal with “Social Interest”
• Action: Shift your goal from simply “keeping the peace” or “being loved” to fostering a relationship based on mutual respect and understanding. A healthy Adlerian “social interest” in a partnership means valuing both your own well-being and your partner’s.
• New Goal Example: Instead of “I must always be agreeable to be loved,” a new goal could be “We will create a relationship where both of us can express our needs and feel heard, even when we disagree.”
  Step 5: Practice Authentic Communication
• Action: Start small. Choose a low-stakes situation to express a genuine preference or feeling. Use “I” statements to communicate your experience without blaming your partner.
• Example: Instead of passively agreeing to a movie he didn’t want to see, Mark could say, “I’m not really in the mood for a horror film tonight. I’d prefer something lighter. What do you think about a comedy?”
  Step 6: Re-evaluate and Reinforce
• Action: Regularly check in with yourself and your partner about how this new dynamic is feeling. Acknowledge that it may be uncomfortable at first, as it disrupts established patterns.
• Example: After a month of practicing more authentic communication, Sarah and her partner could have a conversation about how it has impacted their relationship. They might find that while there have been more disagreements, they also feel closer and more connected.
  By integrating the wisdom of “When the Body Says No” with the foundational principles of Adlerian Psychology, we can move from relationships of quiet desperation and physical compromise to partnerships that are not only emotionally fulfilling but also contribute to our overall health and well-being. The ultimate goal is to create a connection where both individuals can be their authentic selves, and the relationship is a source of strength, not stress.
  

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